Manuals: how to identify the unmet expectations you have written for others

I was introduced to the concept of manuals through Brooke Castillo’s Self-Coaching Scholar’s Program from the Life Coach School.

A "manual" is a set of instructions we have about how we believe someone else should behave or how something should be.

We create manuals without realizing it. Our manuals are generally unrealistic expectations in our mind that we don’t tell the people in our lives, or even ourself, about.  

This was revelatory for me as I realized that the manuals I had crated unconsciously in my mind for each of my children were causing me daily frustration. 

As I sat down and started writing out my manuals for each of my children, it was enlightening to uncover why I felt, thought, and acted the way I did toward each one.  

I realized that my children had nothing to do with my frustration and I had everything to do with it.  

This lesson was truly empowering for me as the awareness of all of my manuals moved me to take ownership of the frustration I had been creating in my life. Additionally, it helped me use my emotional intelligence to eliminate my frustration by eliminating my manuals.  

Here are some expectations from the manuals I'd written mentally for my children:

- they shouldn’t fight

- they should listen the first time to what I say

- they should never argue

- they shouldn’t make the same mistakes I have made

- they shouldn’t be disobedient

- they should want to read scriptures and say prayers

- they should sit reverently through family home evening

- they should be excited about the things I am excited about

- they should do what I want them to do when I want them to do it

These are just a handful of the “should’s” and “should nots” I had created in my mind.  

It was humbling to identify my manuals and see how my expectations really limited my children’s agency. I felt a bit like a tyrant as I realized how robotic my children would be if they always complied to my list.  

I also noticed that my manuals expected perfection and didn’t allow for myself or my children opportunities for growth or the ability to utilize the Atonement of Jesus Christ. Nor did my manuals take into consideration the differences in each of my children’s personalities, strengths, and weaknesses.

As I have worked on my manuals this past year, I have become a better mother.  

I have learned that expectations for my children are wonderful when they are communicated in an open, loving way.

I have also learned that expectations are easier for my children to meet when they get to help create them so they understand them and their consequences. 

Manuals are the unmet expectations of our lives that cause frustration. I have been working hard to become a less frustrated mother who allows her children their agency and it has strengthened my relationship with each of my children.  

I am creating more joy in my life by re-writing my manuals and striving to take ownership of my expectations. 

Are you ready to identify and re-write your manuals? You should consider 1-1 coaching or joining the Moms Club.

Life is so much more JOYful when you let go of your manuals.

JOYfully,

Rachel